Patricia Peters Martin, a licensed clinical psychologist who practices family and couples therapy in Longmeadow, was asked in the following interview about feelings of anger in the aftermath of the Dec. 14 slaughter by a 20-year-old gunmen of 20 young children and six teachers and administrators at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conn.
The gunman had earlier shot and killed his mother, and killed himself as first responders arrived at the school.
How natural is it to feel anger when you have lost someone to violence?
It is a very natural human response to feel anger after you have lost someone to violence. And in the aftermath of the shootings in Newtown, it is typical for people to experience a variety of emotions such as shock, sorrow, numbness, fear, anger, disillusionment and grief.
Anger is experienced because we say to ourselves that this should not happen; how can this happen; why did this happen? Murder from a violent crime leaves families with much anger and deep frustration at the senselessness of the death.
In the case of a murder/suicide, anger is also escalated by the feeling of a lack of justice to the perpetrator of the crime against their loved one.
What are some of the coping mechanisms that are offered for dealing with the anger?
It is important to speak directly about your feelings following a tragedy such as the murders in Newtown. Talk to friends and families about your sadness, your anger, your helplessness, your grief.
If you do not assertively express this anger, it can be misdirected to others or turned inward.
Other techniques in addition to the assertive expression of anger, in a non-aggressive way, are relaxation strategies, such as deep breathing exercises, visualization and meditation.
Other coping mechanisms are taking care of yourself by eating a balanced diet, sleeping and exercising.
Many people channel their anger into a constructive project, such as donating money to a cause that supports the victim's families or working on legislation related to gun control.
If you feel your anger is really out of control, you might consider counseling to learn to handle it better.
How does the anger manifest itself, especially when it involves the death of young children?
The instinctive way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is an adaptive response which allows us to fight and defend ourselves from threats. But in the case of the senseless murders in Newtown, how do we express this anger?
Often it is misdirected. For many adults, our anger is intensified when the murder involves children. The sense of helplessness is intensified. We, as adults, are supposed to be the protectors of children, and we feel helpless and hopeless when innocent children are murdered.
The anger can be manifest in multiple ways that are not appropriately directed at the specific crime. For example, people may mistakenly express anger toward their family, or road rage may be exhibited. The inability to direct anger at the appropriate target is sometimes misdirected to coworkers and friends.
Others may anesthetize themselves with alcohol or drugs rather than actively address their anger. If one does not appropriately express anger, it is often buried and turned inward on yourself, resulting in depression.
How about children themselves who have witnessed violence. Is anger likely to be a stage for them?
Children will often act out violence in their play in order to bring some sort of understanding to violence they have witnessed. Play for children is similar to adults' ability to articulate our anger and feelings.
It is important to let the child express these emotions via play. It is also helpful for children to have a caring adult who will allow them to talk about their feelings of anger, sadness and fear.
Children need to know we are there and listening to them. Don't interrupt; allow them to express their ideas and feelings before you respond.
Children's behavior may change after witnessing violence. They may experience trouble sleeping, difficulty with concentrating on school work or there may be changes in appetite.
During times of crisis, children may seek the solace and comfort of home. Help make home a place where your children find the comfort and safety they need.
How can friends help when it comes to offering comfort in the face of anger?
If someone you know is experiencing anger and frustration following traumatic events, let them vent and talk to you about their feelings. Do not shut them down with platitudes or statements like "Don't feel that way."
Just knowing a friend is there to listen to them is a great help. Also, keep in touch as time passes. Be sensitive to the fact that grief can take years. Do not pressure people to "get on with your life."
It can take several years after sudden traumatic loss to feel the patterns and rhythms of one's life beginning to return. You can also let your friend know you have taken some action in the form of a memorial or dedication or form of advocacy in honor of their deceased loved one.
Republican Lifestyle Anne-Gerard Flynn can be reached at afylnn@repub
.com
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