What Is It Like To Live With Someone Who Has Committed Murder? - Slate Magazine (blog)

Finally, I arrived at my assigned cell. I really didn't know what to expect, being housed in a 6x9 cell with a total stranger who been convicted of murder. To tell you the truth, I was terrified, but I had to act like I wasn't afraid of anything. You can't afford to look weak in prison. Most of the ideas I had about maximum security prisons were what I had heard or seen on television or in the movies.
 
Upon your arrival, you'll be asked to show your commitment papers to see what you're in for and to make sure you're not a rapist or child molester. Because if you're one of those two, no one wants you as their "cellie" (cell mate) because sooner or later, you will encounter some bad karma!
 
I really felt out of place because I was doing 25 years to life for a property crime, and here I'm in the midst of guys that have committed some of the worst violent crimes imaginable. I see why so many inmates play crazy or become immersed in religion, hoping that they can fade into the background and not be targeted by the alpha gangs.
 
In my four years at Calipatria, I was housed with several inmates who were convicted of murder. In the 16 years I've been incarcerated, I've never heard another inmate brag that they had killed someone. Believe it or not, it's not like a "Badge of Courage," it's more like a "Badge of Disgrace." Actually, very few of them really liked to talk about their crimes unless they were in some kind of self-help or victim's group. Most of them are really remorseful and ashamed that they took another life. I guess most people outside of prison think we're all monsters with no feelings or remorse.
 
My first cellie was convicted of murdering his girlfriend and her brother during a bad drug deal. He used to have traumatic nightmares where he would wake up screaming in his sleep. It took me many months before I felt comfortable getting a full night of sleep, without sleeping with one eye open and both ears attuned to the slightest sound or movement. This is an experience that I will never forget, because you have to wonder if you're safe inside a 6x9 cage with a total stranger who has a prior violent past and has been convicted of murder. There is no one there to help or protect you at 3 a.m. You have to realize and understand that violence is always right below the surface in prison. It doesn't take much for it to turn into a tidal wave very quickly. I have seen some very violent confrontations with cellies over the most trivial things.